Coming Out

Looking at this bloke’s blog: Z Reveals, I stumbled on a lot of silly and, to put it frankly, ridiculous stories of how this… strange gay Turkish man lives. It is funny though and comical in a way that is stupid and foolish. I don’t condemn him or judge him as being stupid himself, I just find the stories written in such blatant and stupid humor, it makes me laugh.

Anyhow, that’s not the point of what I was going to write about. I saw this one video section in the blog that made me sort of think about society and question the way it functions. How many times have you heard a child confess to his parents,

“Mother…? I have something to tell you… I’m… I’m…*Gulp*.. Straight!”

Yeah…Practically never, assuming it’s not a joke or some facetious ploy. In all seriousness, why is it such a big deal for a person to talk about their orientation like it is a sinful burden? How can these people act so stupid and puerile, behaving in a manner unfit for ANY civilised being. Equal rights yet they condemn free thinkers and believers? Lovers and displayers of peace? Are these not the stuff of every human civilisation’s desire? I don’t seem to really understand the way these people think. Condemning the people who want to do good for their fellow human beings and treat them less than gravediggers. Also, why do people make a person’s sexual orientation/preference such a gigantic issue? The only viable argument I’ve heard to date is something about procreation. Why the hell do we need more babies? We need LESS human beings. (Good God, I hope I do not sound like one of those bitter gay journalists.)

Though, seriously, why do families need this confession or affirmation? What does it prove? I do not see the logic in it though I am very familiar of how the mechanics of it goes; I know their rationale behind their moves. Treating people undeserving of their scorn and insecurity and vandalizing their mental sanctity… what horrible and unspeakable crimes these humans play on each other. Do not see the folly of their actions? If love is a universal concept, why are some ostracised for their version of love? It is not as if they are loving the degradation of human beings or the annihilation of their fellow human beings. They are not trying to usurp control but merely live their lives as free women and men of a nation that, supposedly, warrants those beliefs under its constitution.

Duplicity… It is loathsome thing. This double-standard society shall feel the whiplash from such contradictory beliefs. Still, the edifice which the society built itself on is starting to crack and crumble. In these times, can humans truly spare the chance and energy to condemn others? Can they waste their efforts in dispelling those who wish to play an instrumental role in developing the society as something safe and enjoyable? Granted, there are those who would steepen the chaos but there are those who are very serious about their desire to become humanitarians and perfect what there is today.

I do not see why Coming Out is such an ugly and pressing issue. Why people do these wicked things to one another, or rather, I am merely a disbeliever of how unfathomably low society sinks.

Bad Romance.

I want to rip my heart out, tear it to pieces, burn it, freeze dry it, flush it down the toilet, and throw a nuclear bomb down the drain to follow those ashes.

-The End.

Silent Hill.

Once a boy was born,
Illuminated and born of light,
His heart shone radiantly in the darkness that surrounded him,
Pitying the denizens of the world,
He took on the form of one of them,
Trapping himself in the darkness to bear the damage and the sins of the hells they had made.
The desires, their joy, their desires, their sorrows he wish to mend and to heal.
But so little did he know that their desires could not be sated.

So they took from him… constantly,
Taking bits and pieces of him each time,
Stealing him the light as their own,
Until he suffered an existence of nothing but pain,
Of Emptiness,
And walked amongst the damned now himself.

He prayed for his salvation many times,
Hoping that he could be saved too,
But no matter how hard he prayed,
No matter how hard he tried to be given an answer or some reality of truth,
Nothing came.
Nothing at all.
All there was for him was pain and punishment,
As the mortal boy he had opened himself so many times,
Naively hoping that there could be some good reaped.

Now they have taken from him one final time,
Tearing away what little semblance of hope he had in his heart,
And with it, wiping clear his memory and will to live,
It is no more and it continues to fade into nothingness,
In the abyss which he grew from,
He shall now become a part of it,
Walk amongst them to take,
To punish,
To cast the sinners into their hells and heavens.

Tortured Duplicitous Snakes,
Howling into the darkness of the Night,
Shall now howl no more.

Love has turned to sadness,
Sadness has turned to hatred,
Now hatred turns into Revenge.

The everlasting and repeating cycle continues to turn,
Repeating the tragedies of life and death again.
Who shall be the Lamb?
Who the Tiger?

Birthday Stupidity

Love is such a complicated thing, especially when one feels and one does not. I am constantly reminded of it and now I cannot seem to release it from my heart and mind. I am infected by it… again, this time by a man who lives far away from me…yet…again…

But, honestly, it’s not the same as the others. In the past, I would love these individuals but not fully feel connected to them. I could not open my heart to them as much as I have with this one. I have pressed forward in hoping something could happen between the two of us only to be disappointed time and time again. But.. all the signs have shown me to keep on holding on, to keep on persisting, to believe in something more…

Where do I go? Where do I start?

On Friday, I went to visit him with Ricky. That wasn’t a smart idea but it was the best option I had at the time to visit him. I wanted to see him and he wanted to see me. My first mistake was this; involving another individual in my love affair. I acted selfishly and egotistically. I think the more time passes by, the more selfish I am becoming but I am not sure how or why. I just… am. Is this a side effect of gaining growth and confidence? I don’t know.. My guess is I had to toughen up in order to live longer and stronger. Secondly, we could not connect as well. It was awkward having another person there but trying to be friendly. My actions forced me to leave him be, to leave him to his own devices but Nathan trying to speak as much as he could to Nathan. I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t know what to say.

We got there, I trembled, I shook, my heart cried out and yet I felt so happy, so at home, at peace and bliss. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere but there… I felt like I did, at least on a deeper level. Maybe not physically because I was not used to the environment but.. my heart felt a bit closer to the idea of finding a place in the world; at Nathan’s home.

We talked, we spoke, we shared times together. It was lovely… more than that, it was like a miracle. I held him, kissed his cheeks multiple times, tried to physically connect to him; I felt like I just threw myself at him and that possibly pushed him away some. My second mistake. I feel like a fool. I should have been more empathetic to his situation, tried not to touch him, resist the urge but… my heart overflowed with feelings. I just wanted to communicate what I felt for him. Since we tried to practice energy work together. He stopped though, perhaps due to waking up in the presence of Ricky. I felt him, vaguely, as he with me. There was still the blockage though. It was because we were not in sync with one another. It disturbs me how much the life or mana flow knows these disturbances and discontinuity. Alas, it did not proceed as well as I wanted it to.

I’m such a fuck up. Why did I ever let things become this way? If I only knew sooner, I would have stopped the thing altogether but… alas I cannot change the past. I can only hope for a better future.

Ugh, I’m sick to my stomach with all the sweet things I had this week. I am not typically accustomed to having so many sweet items. Meh.

I feel like such a fool writing this all out; so desperate and so… confused. None of this make sense to me.

I hate this all. I hope in time this will make sense. I’d like to give him some time and myself some time… to gather my thoughts, to allow him to gather his. I feel like I agitated him too much with kisses and hugs; I was too clingy… *Sigh* Stupid… stupid… stupid foolish me..

Risk: The Game of Life

Risks: They’re part of the choices we make everyday in life, involved in every step of the way when making a decision in life. Some times we can see them, other times we cannot hope to imagine due to the magnitude of the variables associated with a single step. In all and all, choices, challenges, and consequences lead to power, peril, and promise (Yes I totally just stole that from Phi Theta Kappa’s Honors Study Topic).

But seriously, how can one live without being prepared to slip and fall in some part of the way in life? It’s something that I have been wondering about a lot in my life, especially in the past 6 or 7 months. Even as this new year begins, I am still weighted down by the choices and the potential risks or consequences involved behind each step one makes. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve been wondering how to lead my life knowing full well how it may affect me in the future. In particular, my physical/sexual interactions with other human beings. Most don’t even consider that as something they need to think about; they go into the game without looking at things from as many angles as possible. I suppose not many tread life cautiously and hesitantly. They just live and march on forward without concerning themselves with the details. To me, that’s careless and poses many dangers but… perhaps it is also what holds me back. I get envious then that so many people are so far ahead of me in many aspects and I am still lingering behind still stuck at base one when they are at base seven or eight. For those who want to know the story behind my fears and concerns, look down below otherwise skip ahead. Be warned! It’s graphic so if you cannot stomach it, don’t bother reading.

The Story
Recently, when I went to pee the day before yesterday, it burnt like a bitch and the urine was all cloudy, foamy, and white. The urethra was burning and it wouldn’t stop. Later on I begin to experience chills and couldn’t stop shaking. I know I had gotten like this many times before in the past before I did anything with anyone but I do not recall if this was one was worse than the rest. What particularly had me freaked was the final drops almost looked like the strange discharge that often chlamydia was associated with. It’s possibly what shook me up the most and made me shake constantly– out of fear. It was bad enough that one of my partner reported of having a cold sore develop after we had kissed. Of course, I am not sure if I was the cause of it or not but it still did not settle well with me. I suppose that’s pathetic but for me, I cannot afford to get sick. I don’t have the income to go to the doctor and on top of which, my mother would strangle me if she found out I had caught something. Of course, I should -NOT- have caught anything because my partners are tested and clear of any problems/diseases. With that said, logically I could not have just randomly generated chlamydia so I figured it was something else– in particular, Prostatitis. I have always suspected something was wrong with my prostate but I was not sure how I could prove it. I spoke to my mother about it and she was concerned as well for me. I told her I need to see the urologist. I could debunk my fears and concerns in all one fell swoop (or at least many of them). I fear that I have Genital Warts too but I am not sure. I mean there are no bumps but there is this one spot where the skin is a little rough and hard under the glans around the ring portion. It is not growing/spreading but I’m not sure what to make of it. I don’t ever recall me having this before so I don’t know. Anyhow, I feel a visit to the urologist could clear a lot of my concerns and fears.

What to do Next:
So after all my fears, I wonder what I should do next? Do I drift away from human interaction altogether and stop taking risks altogether in an effort to stay safe or do I continue to pursue people and try my best to protect myself from them? I know I liked Dr. McKenzie’s idea of taking yourself and the person you are dating to a STD clinic and having the two of you get tested and if they don’t like it, they can hit the road. I would not mind doing that EXCEPT apparently people like myself cannot do that. We have to be ‘documented citizens’ first before we can do anything. Since I don’t have jack crap (yet), there goes my plan basically of getting tested. On top of which, Texas does not have any “Free STD clinics”. The bastards decided to make people pay for it. Makes me want to strangle a Senator.

Anyhow, that idea will not work. I suppose I may ask them to produce papers stating their condition but isn’t that too much to ask on the first date? I know a lot of people would not be too happy with the thought of me doubting their word but, I’m sorry, I just really trust people. I don’t even trust myself all that much with life but I do my best to make the best of things and to keep on moving forward. Point being though is I’d like not to give up my interactions and opportunities to date. In fact, I feel like if I don’t then I will not ever have kids of my own and be the person that I wanted to be growing up. I am not sure if I can though be that person seeing how I have almost little power over myself or the situation that surrounds me. Everyday, I curse it and the unfathomable time it has made me suffer and endure but what can I do but press on?

So… the answer boils down to whether I can still continue my interactions with others knowing that they can be potential hazards to me and my health. I am not sure. A part of me would like to do nothing at all with anyone if it continues down this path; however, I know that for me to live a complete and healthy life, I cannot live my life in fear allowing myself to be influenced by its problems and such yet I do not know how to move. I hesitate for I have no answer and there is no easy decision to be made here. I’d like to believe that I could move on forward without having to fear, without having to dread but.. I am not sure. I’d like to think I could trust people but I am still not certain.

Is it easier to run away? Yes but… it is not the right way to lead a life. At this point, it is a contest between security and what is predictable versus enjoyment and that which is unpredictable. I guess what makes it harder to decide is I have yet to find anyone nearby me who I could willingly devote myself to and I do hate having to sift through the masses to find an answer… I suppose, in time, the light will reveal itself to me as I continue to investigate for answers.

Global Changes and Concerns

There has been a lot of stipulating things that have mentioned a cause for concern due to a global change that threatens the very fabric of our existence as we know it. Do we believe them though or do we go about them unfettered and ignorant of their messages? It is hard to say for sure… and what makes the promises even more jaded is their conclusion: The inevitable eradication or destruction of the human civilization as we know it. Note that I say human civilization and not race. I do not think there is anything in this world that could terminate all of us completely without affecting a lot of the other creatures within this world too. Though, it is always possible that human beings can be wiped out completely without any harm or damage done to any other native creature or being living on Terra.

The world is, inevitably, heading towards a future of great changes. Fate has decided it so. So has nature and the choices that man have made clearly reflect those changes in a transparent manner. All the violence, stories, and publications humans make seem to ring of their own cries to end their own existence or to strive for a future that they can embrace fully on their terms without the guidance or aid of another being– or at least as far as I have seen.

This all has me thinking though… especially given the trial of messages that have been popping into my life unexpectedly. Could the future that the ancestors prophecized of be true or were they off by some account or measure?

Who is to say truly, I suppose… I mean, I don’t personally believe in the 2012 thing becoming a reality but I do know the certain things that the movie pointed out were true, like, how the Galaxy will be in perfect alignment with the Earth and, I believe, how there will be a Reverse Polarization. Reading the news though, I’ve seen a staggering increase of how our resources are acceding us; they are declining faster than they can be naturally replenished by Terra. That alarms many, especially those who are aware of what that can bring about to humanity who live today and those who live in the tomorrow.

Desolation, Poverty, Famine, Plague, Isolation threaten the world; everyone wants to live on this planet as if it is their rightful place or possession to rule it or have ownership of it and its resources. Perhaps that is why the virus we fight off day to day have become more virulent. The pathogens we suffer from have become more fatal. We lack the resources to sustain ourselves now. We have completely exceeded our capacity to serve and survive on a planet like this. Unless we drastically change the way we look at the world, there can be no hope for us. So long as we take and take, so long as our hearts and minds are trapped in the capitalistic avenue of constantly demanding to fulfill our insufferable desires, we shall never truly be able to evolve. In fact, dare I say, we have actually begun to devolve, degenerate as we push ourselves away from nature and take a stance of opposition.

We try to become something mechanical but we are components that are biological. How could we escape our bodies? How could we escape nature if we are products of her?

I am not saying, of course, the world will end but it will change and that change will bring about the destruction of many. Of countless of lives will be shed and gone in the coming change. Those who cannot survive will die. The change will bring about loss and great misfortune to many people and their lives of consumerism. Those who will survive will be those who are not far removed from the war but actually those who are caught within it. The very people who try to lead the jaded lives outside of the Providence of Nature shall be the ones who succumb to death.

…And perhaps rightly so. Terra requires less humans that occupy her land like cancerous cells, infesting and damaging, neutering all that she is and has.

Stupid…Stupid…Stupid.

I made yet ANOTHER blunder today with respect to scheduling this appointment to meet the College President. I should have planned out more thoroughly and consulted with my peers and resources when planning something like this. It was arrogant and misguided of me to assume to find out information from the College President thinking it would help improve relations, make us stronger as an organization, and try to enrich what we could offer to Collin. I just went about it in a Sagittarius way. Blinded by ambition, blinded by the drive, I geared myself far ahead of everyone and got myself lost and ended up in a bad spot. I brought embarrassment to Sigma Kappa Delta and to myself as a person in the eyes of an esteemed President. I did not do well at all.

How could I have allowed myself to repeat the same mistakes twice? How foolish of me to repeat this again. I don’t think our reputation was injured as it was me acting independently from the two organization wanting to extrapolate information from the College President. I have learned well though today, if nothing else, I must caution myself like that stupid sign, Pisces, and learn to not allow my judgment to be clouded by excitement and ambition. It is funny because I am typically not like that, to act without a thorough plan but.. I still have not quite gotten a hold of how to plan effectively I suppose. I need to take proper measures so that I may not allow myself or let others be hurt by my actions. I dislike having to see others hurt because of me and my own obtuse and idiocy. Such idiosyncratic and illicit simplicity…

But slinging words at myself will do none good. I must remember now to:
1) Effectively and thoroughly plan things by involving my peers.
2) Getting their input first before proceeding to the next route.
3) Go to a source that can understand the needs and wants of an organization better than someone who is far removed.
4) CONSULT WITH PEERS BEFORE MOVING FORWARD. ALWAYS DAMN YOU ALWAYS BEFORE MOVING FORWARD.

I will continue to elongate this list with time.

DAMN IT, FUCK, SHIT, PISS, FUUUUUCK!!! LIKE A STUPID BABYLONIAN WHORE.

A Letter to the Gentleman

Dear Sean,
I have thought about your situation a lot especially in respect to the cold sore thing that you recently have gotten. I don’t know how to put this but I feel so sorry for you and your terrible plight (and no I don’t mean this sarcastically). I know for months I was petrified and especially shaken up by the realm of STDs and the potential hazards it could create for people. It does plenty of things to your head including robbing sleep from you. I think my main concern though was if I had given it to you and if so, how would I take responsibility now that I had affected somebody that I had barely met but still do care about as an individual and as a person? I do know that I could not bear it if I had to do something that I potentially had no power or control over to fix, especially if it was a person that I had planned on trying to get better but in the process hurt. I seemed to do that often, hurting others every step I go even though I have the best intentions and yet… it still somehow comes crashing down, tumbling down on me and hurting those I surround.

While my tests also indicate that I did not have any kind of STD in the past, I don’t think I am the one who gave it to you though simply for the fact I had never had a break out and no one I have kissed or done anything with has ever had a problem either. If I did have this issue I would not have been hesitant to tell you, believe me. When it comes to others or myself, I much rather hurt myself than others in the event there is something like this. I don’t want to hurt anyone or to cause them misery or pain. I know I don’t have any proof of showing you this but I’ve always intended the best.

I figured I would try and send this to you before you went on your trip but I then realized that it’s probably best when you come back and enjoy yourself some. I want you to take a load off your feet. I speak to you as if I know you problems or issues; however, truth is, no, I don’t. It doesn’t matter though to me. I still can empathize with the fact you are a being and so am I. We at least share that much in common to each other.

Anyhow, I don’t want to be stupid and ramble on forever about telling you how sorry I am, or how worried I am. I do want to let you know though that I do feel like I want to get to know you better still, in spite what took place. I want to be closer to you as a person, if you allow me to. I genuinely am interested in you as a person and appreciate the qualities of your persona, whatever fragments I did manage to see. Of course, I do realize and understand that a part of you may be unwilling to trust me because it suspects me as the main proprietor of the cold sore. I did a little research and it seems whatever I told you couldn’t have been more wrong. Maybe that’s why you “Lol’d” after the fact I had mentioned them to you. “Wow, this boy so doesn’t got his shit right. He probably has it and doesn’t even know it.” It’s true. I was completely misinformed until I did some quick researching. I thought the weeks of endless research would have branded itself properly in my mind but I guess not.

While I don’t think I have it and will get myself tested before then, I hope you can at least give me time to prove myself guilty or innocent. Though, I hope/desire/would like to maintain what we have and see where it goes, if you so allow it to. Of course, I am in no position to ask or request anything; I don’t make expectations that you would but it most certainly would be nice to see where we could go from where we left off. Regardless of whether you like me or dislike me, agree with me or disagree with me, trust me or do not trust me; whatever it may be, as I have mentioned before, all I ask for you is you be honest and I will do the same. So if you do not want to be with me, just let me know. I don’t and won’t hate you if you do decide to part ways and feel like I cannot be trusted or for any other reason. Do whatever that is best for you and makes you the happiest. Just let me know your thoughts if nothing else. Thanks Sean…

-Mike

For the Bible Told Me

I am revisiting a video that my Skanky Hoe (Darrell Garon) had sent me a while back ago. I want to document my thoughts so that I can look back and reflect on it. I think this video highlights some of the key concerns while empathetically conveying both sides of the arguments. It takes real life accounts from real people and their stories, struggles, challenges, and consequences with homosexuality. I hope for those of you who may read this may visit this post with an open mind and an open heart.

►For the Bible Told me So Part 1
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04AVRslVRbY
I was appalled seeing the gross mixture of apathy, hatred, and ignorance spewing from the mouths of the protesters. The condemnation of homosexuality seems to be one of the many issues this nation has faced in its quest of attaining liberty and freedom. I wonder, how much happiness as a nation do we truly have, in spite of our great affluence? There is a great paradox of affluence of ignorance in respect to the massive amount of spending done on education. I wonder… is it possible that humans just need something to constantly battle against, to use their energy and hatred towards something because otherwise they are driven insane from the providence of peace? Do they have to constantly debate, quibble, bicker, and argue amongst each other to satiate their inner demon’s desire for conflict? It is hard to say for certain but… to be sure, there have been a lot of issues that the United States has had to square off with…

In addition, these Christian folks talk about the dire importance of love, respect, and winning the trust and affiliation of their neighbors but they so easily condemn… Why is that, for a religion that was born out of the consequence of dismay, hatred, and prejudice to turn back on its history and to celebrate the very things it hated and despised so much?

►For the Bible Told me So Part 2
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=392g7HxmfUM
Again, these people have grown in such loving environments, filled with the radiance of hopes and dreams most precious to the human condition. They fill their lives with opportunity, with the pursuit of happiness and yet… they fall short of their own savior, Lord Jeshua’s teachings… Most ironic.

“It ain’t necessarily so, what the Bible says.” A good song.

Looks like the breadth of the argument from the other side is that homosexuality is an abomination because the Bible states it; however, I know for a fact that the Bible has been modified several times when they were transliterating it from its original script to one that could be adapted to local dominate language. Because of this, things were reworded. Some things were pulled out because of issues with context or semantical issues; others were deliberately stripped away because of conflict/contradiction. Ironically enough, it stopped at a certain point.

►For the Bible Told me So Part 3
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNT-4rfSlUo

“Abomination in the Hebrew Bible (a.k.a Torah) was always used to describe something against their ritual or against their tradition. It was never used to talk about something being innately immoral.” Part of the Holiness laws that were meant to help people of that time try to adapt to the times and find “holiness” in their lives.

“To me that’s the important thing to recognize; the historical context in which it was written. That particular section, on a man not lying with another man, goes to procreation. It is about a nation trying to grow. At the time the Hebrew people understood that male seed was actually all of nascent life contained right there. Women had actually nothing to do with the birth except for incubation. So that section is particularly about saving seed, saving seed for procreation so that the nation could grow.”

For example…
Eating pork in Islam and in Judaism is an “abomination”, in that, it is against rituals, tradition– particularly so for Jews since they are more motivated by such things. In Islam, eating swine was considered unhealthy since they consume things that we cannot hope to digest and thus have a build up of unhealthy microbes that can potentially kill (and has killed) people. Back then, they didn’t have the kind of sanitation or whatever they require now. Swines that were hunted were often wild and had to be cooked over open fire. Though fire can sanitize and kill most kinds of microbes, there are certain ones that can resist unusually high temperatures. Also, in Islam, one CAN consume but ONLY IF there is nothing else to eat and the person is on the brink of starvation. God does not want his followers to die in starvation so in a pinch/desperate situation, the consumption of pork is okay though in everyday NORMAL life, it is forbidden.

It is difficult to wear a mask and some people are simply satisfied with just that than to truly know the person from the inside out, to know what they are like and to know more about the person at his or her’s truest essence. So many minds and hearts shut themselves out and retreat in fear or spite because they feel they will be the victim, another one to bite the dust, or simply to be hurt and abused the same way so they pick up arms and join the onslaught. Seeing that teen relay words about gays, (and this may be a borderline slippery slope fallacy but…) I could feel that even he himself didn’t truly know what he felt. He just felt an empty hatred most likely clawing at his heart forcing him to behave in a way towards gay people that ultimately ended in tragedy but fueled his ability to overcome his fear, making him feel more reassured and gratified knowing that he won’t turn out to be a victim.

►For the Bible Told me So Part 4
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ocWWkAAdQU
Literalists is the label given to those who interpret the Bible word for word, often to a fault. They feel like the versions they boast are the absolute and solemn truth and there can be no refuting of this truth for it is Almighty. I think with respect to this notion, a lot of people become unhappy or die. They pour too much energy in hating and eventually become saturated in this hatred, trying to infect others. It becomes deadly, especially when coupled with a persuasive speaker who can manipulate others in an argument and twists/fabricate things to a truth. It makes me almost question Christianity as a functional part of the religious circle. I once believe all religions contained some fragments of truth. Is it possible Christianity may be an exception to a rule? Should there really have been a way to abolish it entirely to prevent the continuous grievances and repeated offenses by the church against the denizens and the innocent? It is hard to say…

It is true the Church has conducted many wrongs but it has indeed many virtues too. They have helped people when no one else could or would and brought hope when no one else could. In its earliest foundations, Christianity might have been absolutely beautiful and gorgeous of an idea to the common man who struggled to live life and lived in constant fear of the unknown. The church protected the minds and hearts of these people and brought peace to them when none could and soothed the wounds of uncertainty. But now… it exasperates them in an effort to staunch understanding, promotion of peace, and the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness.

When literalists advance forward, it becomes a challenge of discerning between what it states and how it reads, what it says versus what it means. The true challenge is being able to connect with the culture it stems from and to understand the context of that culture and the notions behind the words. Fundamentalists though twists these words and become literalists, denying any investigation beyond what the words convey often become warped and disillusioned.

►For the Bible Told me So Part 5
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC4d4JMNYsA
That educational cartoon sums up the arguments and quashes the opponents (typically Christians and other Abrahamic religious zealots) argument of homosexuality being a choice. It most often times is not. I wonder though, in respect to that one family which had like.. 17 or 18 people in their families if any of their sons are gay? Also, what are the mechanics behind female homosexuality? Is it observed amongst twins too? Most of the case studies taken to analyze and dissect homosexuality identified three factors (as mentioned in the video too): Genes, Hormones, and Birth Order. All three of these “variables” seem to play a role in the genetic aspect of it which, apparently, have greater influence over the male twins (or triplets) sexual orientation than if they are left or right handed. What that suggests to me is that there is an element of nature that influences the mechanics of a person; it cannot be completely just nurture (often use as a scapegoat for ‘choice’).

This video shows how families can, in time, understand each other, and grow even though they may not agree with what their loved one is doing. There are plenty of things which we do as individuals that others may not be satisfied. I think the most important lesson though in life is to love or at least respect these differences rather than allowing them to divide people. There are perfectly loving families that start off warm but the moment they learn of their family member being “gay” everything falls apart; it shouldn’t have to– especially if it doesn’t concern the relationship or amount of love one has for another. People think too much about the way people have sex and what they do in bed than to focus on the emotions and collective feeling placed behind their actions.

►For the Bible Told me So Part 6
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDURHGt0tNQ
Could Sodom and Gomorrah truly be an event where the customary welcoming of strangers was breached and disrespected thus angering God? It is hard to say really but it makes sense. It was a common practice of my ancestors to do this: Grecians, Assyrians, Babylonians, Jews, Persians, et cetera. They never allowed their guests to merely leave without being properly welcomed, fed, and offered hospitality. Today, we can see these trends remain in certain cultures from their predecessors. Of course they recede with the times of today and don’t really exist in this part of the world with the majority of the population– of course there are always exceptions to the rule.

Gang raping and the doom of Sodom was, according to one of the speakers, was an inevitable reality that the people themselves had placed themselves in. Of course, no one really knows if Sodom truly ever existed or not but gang raping as a method of torture was not uncommon and not above the barbaric ways of the people of that day and age.

►For the Bible Told me So Part 7
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDURHGt0tNQ
There are organizations that seek to convert homosexuality out of its context and transform people into thinking that they are straight. To me, that rings as a serious violation of human rights. It would be no different than trying to subjugate someone to brainwashing and making him or her believe that they were wrong for being 5″2′ or 6″5′. These people cannot choose their heights, their identities, their social outcomes. All they can guide within a thin permissible margin are their decisions for life and how they wish to lead it. If someone who accepts that they are “straight” it is not due to Jesus, God, or some sort of religious condition; it is due to fear, insecurity, self-loathe, and other tactics utilized by these foundations like Focus on the Family. Dr. James Dobson speaks about family values but has no theological credentials validating his studies of the scripture. In addition, he possesses a great sum of money which, the bible discusses, that a man should not have and should donate to the poor to help his fellow brothers and sisters. A rich man should donate it all away to help his people and yet this is not so amongst many fundamentalists which strikes me ironic.

The efforts of repairitive therapy in a program he has developed called “Love one Out” only furthers the destruction fanned by manipulation, extortion, dejection, and rejection. It is sick as it is maleficent. How can one change a person’s disorder one he or she has none? What is is being repaired in the process of one’s spirit and body being destroyed by a society who denies them love and comfort?

►For the Bible Told me So Part 8
URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTXjG9UMxvc
The phobia and discord paved by media and by society is quite appalling to me as well. When a congressional man or a priest sleeps with another man (often a page or a altar boy), it is often disregarded and leaves nothing more than slaps on the wrists. The hypocrisy of this nation is truly overwhelming to me at times, especially how they degrade homosexuals as being degenerate citizens of society whose sole purpose is to lead the unity of society to destruction.

Properiety and Loss

It is true that I have failed, true that I have made these terrible professional mistakes in my life. I have been blind to much of this world. Much is still new to me and still very strange to me. While I cannot offer any excuses for my actions, I do think I can offer justification to alleviate the guilt, the crass embarrassment and cruelty that my mind batters me with. Of course it does not help there have been several things that have gone wrong for me in the process including test grades and many other things to keep track of. Do I have such a low threshold of handling things that I cannot proceed beyond my current capacity without feeling overwhelmed? I don’t know…

I surrender.. but not to defeat. I admit I did wrong… but I do not compromise my being, to hurt and to continue to suffer in this fashion… I don’t think even they would want me to do so (but I can’t say that I would blame some if they felt it was that personally charged due to the connections shared between the advisor). Still, I have tried to do my best. I went in not knowing but did my best to perform my duties and obligations. I have obviously failed but… I failed in order to succeed for life does not offer success without sacrifice and tribute.

“Failure is the tuition you pay for success.” -Walter Brunell

I would have to agree, even though I do not enjoy the view that such a reality exposes for me. If this is the way that reality dictates that I must live, if this is the only way, then I will learn to adapt and face my challenges. I do not want to constantly stagger, buckling from defeat and hold my head as the cold reality clenches taut my mind, squeezing from it sanity (wow how emo). I want to be something that grows, something that perfects. This… ego business, I wish I had none of it. If only I could toss it away into the depths of the ocean. I wish not to have it seeing how it has impede my ascension.

I would to ascend to be perfect, not to be typical or mediocre. I want to serve as a guiding light to set the example and standard to those who have lost their way in life, to those who want the help and need a helping hand.

Naive? Idealistic? Yes, perhaps so but… I don’t want to go on in life thinking that my mistakes are solely the result of my incompetence. I know I am capable and I know I have potential. I just wished I did these things without feeling so struck down by the reality of the situation and having to live a tormented existence thereof. I only hope that things will get better in time… and that I might become the great person I have always (sincerely) tried to be in life.