It has been a while since I last written in you– a line I seem to commonly state when I do not write for long extended periods of time. Anyhow, it truly has been a while. I only seemed to have written in you simply for the sake of reflecting for my classes. Now that it is not required, I mostly had forgotten about writing about anything since nothing eventful or particularly troublesome happened.
Phi Theta Kappa:
Ambition
For the past several weeks, I think I have harbored a great deal of animosity to this world and its inhabitants– particularly towards those who have been the source of my frustrations. I know my social interaction has been limited to a few individuals so I may not be fully aware of all the manners which a person deals with situations like the ones I am currently in; however, I find it tiring and find myself exhausted from having to invest the amount of attention I have towards it. All this time, I had been an adamant follower of this organization and what it stood for. Above all us, I stood passionately inclined to the morals and standards this organization held, how it took people’s capacity to be intellectuals and tried to utilize it in a manner that could benefit the society; however, ever since this little ordeal with the presidency’s role, life has becoming increasingly difficult and taxing. I am not sure if this is an organization I want to be part of any longer if the people in it are purely motivated by greed and strife. I am not saying we as human beings are perfect and noble creatures; however, I do not think we have to be fully driven by the desire to control and manipulate all that we are surrounded by.
Now we have people who want to seek these positions simply to benefit themselves ignoring the fact what this organization truly stands for, what the chapter had previously accomplished, and all the hardwork; blood, sweat, and tears that were placed into this chapter and passed onto our hands. How can people ignore their responsibilities and the dreams of others so complacently? How is it that people who speak of cooperation clearly care to only benefit themselves? It boggles my mind too, just as it has boggled the minds of the other officers.
Trust
In the past few days, my trust has been low too. There are many things which we have been kept in the dark from that I feel we should all have a right to know. Then again, the opposite could be argued, the right to privacy– especially when it involves the lives of others. What exactly happened that day? It’s hard to say and it’s even harder to ascertain if any true justice is being executed. Are we not a nation that is governed by justice or do we only try to use justice to vindicate the harmful things we want to achieve?
I’ve been somewhat cynical of people, especially a few days ago when I had told Pam about her removal from office. She said not to trust anyone because of her situation. Now, I don’t claim I know everything or what took place that day but… I can say I was certainly saddened by what she was saying. A woman who had done her best to support and give PTK her all suddenly removed. Old friends turned into tomorrow’s enemies. It’s a pity really… I looked up to the other officers but maybe I only looked at things blissfully in ignorance. I am not saying they were perfect together. I am saying they had something beautiful together because they struggled and well… look at it now. It’s ruined and people only make it uglier and worse with each rumor or wagging of their tongues.
Makes me speculate if we will have to endure the same fate too. Can I trust anyone in my chapter? Should I? I don’t if everyone is going to continue this kind of mentality and have a self-serving motive within an organization such as PTK… To think, a prestigious organization that does so much and helps so much be reduced to this. Still, I guess I cannot be entirely cynical because it is run by human beings after all.
Sexuality
Andrew finally came over– which was the greatest and most uplifting event yet. I was worried he would not be able to make it. It was disappointing already that he could not make it the week he originally planned due to the art project he was going to assist in. A secondary blow came when he could not make it the day he got sick but yesterday? He finally came and I was happy. I enjoyed the time I spent, truly and sincerely. I know the feelings in my heart has grown but the questions have not been entirely quelled. What I do from this point on is crucial and fully will shape the future I shall make with him. If I act foolishly or irresponsibly, I could risk losing his trust and him altogether– something I do not want to do. I love him. I don’t want to hurt him because of my foolishness. Why must Sagittarius in Venus make me so indecisive when it comes to love?
Why this? Why now?
I used to have the most adamant and rigid of loyalties to my partners. I guess over time, dealing with the constant assault of having my heart broken many times, my heart doubts the notions of love and who actually possesses those qualities. I think, for the most part, it has grown deaf to the calls of love and the like. It now operates on a selfish basis, reserving people as a “last minute ditch effort” in order to have someone to fall back onto in the event I get screwed over. I think that’s personally bull shit and it should not happen in this matter but… I have difficulty controlling this force inside of me.
Give me strength, God, to overcome the inner demons and to not hurt the ones I care and love for.
He is the one I lost my virginity with and the one who has given me much. I do not want to take that for granted. So why? Why is my heart so divided when the answer is so basic and plainly in sight? Why do I refuse the obvious and search for something more complicating and troublesome?
Other Unnamed Grievances
I originally was going to post it a few nights ago, this post, but I never got to doing it since I was dead tired. My mind was running on low (kind of like now) and I felt entirely too tired to rant about something long and arduous as the things I wanted to. I could have done a great bit of reflecting and might have come up with some interesting life analysis. Maybe not though since I think most of the issues that were causing me problems were mostly small and petty. Still, they carry weight and do make an impact when they collectively bunch together as they did several days ago.
Oh well, that is all as far as my life updates go.
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