Properiety and Loss

It is true that I have failed, true that I have made these terrible professional mistakes in my life. I have been blind to much of this world. Much is still new to me and still very strange to me. While I cannot offer any excuses for my actions, I do think I can offer justification to alleviate the guilt, the crass embarrassment and cruelty that my mind batters me with. Of course it does not help there have been several things that have gone wrong for me in the process including test grades and many other things to keep track of. Do I have such a low threshold of handling things that I cannot proceed beyond my current capacity without feeling overwhelmed? I don’t know…

I surrender.. but not to defeat. I admit I did wrong… but I do not compromise my being, to hurt and to continue to suffer in this fashion… I don’t think even they would want me to do so (but I can’t say that I would blame some if they felt it was that personally charged due to the connections shared between the advisor). Still, I have tried to do my best. I went in not knowing but did my best to perform my duties and obligations. I have obviously failed but… I failed in order to succeed for life does not offer success without sacrifice and tribute.

“Failure is the tuition you pay for success.” -Walter Brunell

I would have to agree, even though I do not enjoy the view that such a reality exposes for me. If this is the way that reality dictates that I must live, if this is the only way, then I will learn to adapt and face my challenges. I do not want to constantly stagger, buckling from defeat and hold my head as the cold reality clenches taut my mind, squeezing from it sanity (wow how emo). I want to be something that grows, something that perfects. This… ego business, I wish I had none of it. If only I could toss it away into the depths of the ocean. I wish not to have it seeing how it has impede my ascension.

I would to ascend to be perfect, not to be typical or mediocre. I want to serve as a guiding light to set the example and standard to those who have lost their way in life, to those who want the help and need a helping hand.

Naive? Idealistic? Yes, perhaps so but… I don’t want to go on in life thinking that my mistakes are solely the result of my incompetence. I know I am capable and I know I have potential. I just wished I did these things without feeling so struck down by the reality of the situation and having to live a tormented existence thereof. I only hope that things will get better in time… and that I might become the great person I have always (sincerely) tried to be in life.

Slavery…A Choice?

Sometimes, I wish I could explore what it is like to have someone dictate your life and decide to make the choices for you. I know I would like for a certain period of time before it would start bothering me but.. I think I am thoroughly exhausted from always having to take charge in every single aspect of life. Plus, I am somewhat curious to know what it feels like to have someone do things for you, provide things for you, and likewise make decisions for you.

The life of a slave… sounds oddly appealing. Maybe because I don’t have to think. My mind has been hammered beyond its threshold trying to make decisions and decide things for others. I think it’s wearing me out. I sometimes wish, corny as this sounds, that I could have a ‘big strong man endowed with experience and knowledge teach me, educate me, and train me in the ways of the world’ as my ancestors did so millenias ago. It would satisfy my most immediate need of just wanting to take a vacation from the stress and headaches of this world that I have been doused by.

But I know the trip would be short lived seeing how I don’t exactly take well to prolonged periods of time under authority. *Yawns and stretches.* This weather is making me rather sleepy and so is having to read in for my freuken class. What a bore…

Mistakes

Lately I have been making a plethora of mistakes. It all started about several weeks ago when I first started to submit in paperwork for SKD trying to book rooms and turn in things and has spiraled down hill since I don’t have all the information and dates for every event. It has caused a lot of frustration to my adviser and to myself, a person who does not believe in making mistakes– especially not in repetition. It is true, I am flawed but… I have never seen myself fuck up so badly and so frequently in these past month or so. I have been the object of much criticism and have been looked down upon by fellow faculty whom I was once respected and looked up to. I have dissatisfied a few of my officers in these times to come. I don’t know why or how I am doing these things, missing so many important things that should come to me naturally.

I have never done so poorly in my entire life till now. I know, for many, this is a redeeming time but for me, it is my most critical. I do not like fucking up and I hate myself all the more for it when I fail to grasp simplicity. It is costing me greatly and also those around me.

I was wondering if I should simply resign and not partake in such activities? It is a possibility that I am considering due to my severe lack of foresight to correct and improve as I should be.

It dumbs down my sense of pride and self-esteem too, making these careless mistakes. I have not lost just once or twice but many times now. I feel like the greatest loser.

But.. I still feel like I must go on, forward, suffer through the wrath and scorn of my colleagues and my faculty. Perhaps… I shall become notorious for being the biggest disgrace to the said organizations. Perhaps not. I know not. I can only hope that I will not continue to struggle and fuck up as I have now. This world, though it has its benefits, is not a comfortable one. Still, I cannot hide in the shadows and lay dormant.

I can do only what I can but I can do much more if I push myself… and I need to… I must…

I just hate this failure. Hate the stigma of failure. I just hate it all and most of all myself for doing them.

Love and Doubts

I have been thinking about the relationship that Andrew and I share. Perhaps I am overanalyzing things but I just have not felt comfortable in the longest time the way we have been headed. First it was the STD scare– though he is not at fault for it– that troubled me about our relationship. I know I am fairly new at maintaining a physical relationship for obvious reasons, I just haven’t felt a sense of connection and security that I would typically feel when he was around. Was it perhaps because we are distant that I feel jaded and unsure? Doubtful and suspicious?

It is most likely the reason behind it. Behind why I feel such doubts and insecurities: Because we lack the physical and intimate connection that I require, that I long for (and I don’t mean just sexually by any means). Though he cannot help it anymore than I can. I know he does his best to come and see me, to make a difference, to do his best and offer what he has to me. I am not saying what he has to offer is not enough but rather… he is just not here to give it to me personally and I would much rather receive it face-to-face than through words or through a dull computer screen.

I cannot force him to show up every time and drive 4 hours to see me. How I wish I could do something more about my situation and just go see him but I am at the mercy of many variables so… I have no power, no say to make any adjustments. Still… I do not feel satisfied with the way things are now. I felt like our love for each other has hit a glass ceiling and it can’t seem to progress anymore beyond what it has now. The physical development that accompanies a relationship is stagnant and, again, at the mercy of variables that I have no power over.

I will, for sure, speak my mind and pray that he will not do something that goes against our best interest but… what that may be is beyond my comprehension. For better or for worse, short term, I know fate will do what is best for us both. I don’t like the idea of letting him go if that’s what ends up happening because I do love him, care for him, and sincerely feel for him but.. I don’t think it will grow or become anything more. I hate how there is this distance and there is nothing either of us can do about it permanently.

Death

There has been incidents of death introduced into my life, along with other things which continuously make life demanding my utmost attention and patience. I must admit, I have had trouble standing firm against the waves of conflicts washing up against me. Am I so fresh to this existence of life that I have yet not grasped the fundamentals as I so thought I had? No, intellectually, I had make sense of hell, daemons, death, and the like but emotionally, I still have not been able to respond beyond with anything other than ‘fear’.

No.. this is not about that though. Before I distract my any further thought about those things, I would like to focus on Life and its importance. As I stated earlier, I have not emotionally come to understand these things in a matter that does not impact me. I would, of course, like it if I could deal without any emotional impact but I suppose that is what keeps me from being anything less or more than human– my emotions. Death… it makes me sad. I do not hate it though nor do I fear it. I know it is a process of life and that none can escape it and yet… I am sadden by it; the passing of an individual is nothing which any have control over. Tears and grievances for the lost do not return them back to realm of the living. They become transformed, changed, metamorphosize into something invisible… yet something real.

In the case of Sherma uncle, his death, due to his heart attack, has definitely upset the balance that was established in the family but… I think, he would not want anyone to grieve for his passing but to love him in memory and live happily in the present, for it is the present the decides the future and he would not want anyone to jeopardize their own future by grieving for a time that has since past. I would say, maybe audaciously, he wants to be happy and to stay happy and to live a life without regrets and fear, as tried to.

To new heights does life aspire. A new future of many possibilities… like the stars which streak across the skies. Constantly dying and reborn in the cosmic wink. It does not stop dead from dying but it should not hinder life from living.

Personal Reservations

As I venture forward in my journey within the organization, I face now innumerable challenges and arduous tasks that require my undivided attention. I am happy that the storm has passed now, for now, but perhaps it is merely the calm before the howling beasts that awaits. The longer I am within this organization, the more I question my role within the organization and the kind of connections I will have. I know for a fact, at least two of the officers do not already like me for the role I took within the organization. In spite my attempts, in spite of the fact I was doing this not so much for personal gain or accruing power but really for the organization. I do admit, at one point of time, I would have fancied the role of the president but even in my mind then, I did not see it as a task I would take on without facing difficulties. I was not idealistic in the responsibilities; more or less, I was idealistic with my relationship that I would have with the rest of the officers.

I don’t think I have been a very good officer for this organization. I don’t mean to be bitch and moan about it except that I do not truly think I was qualified to have gained this position– at least not in the manner that was required of me. It does not mean that I will be backing out or I accept defeat and will decline in my incompetence; however, I do think there is a great deal of improvement to be made on my part, certainly, as far as this position goes… in every aspect.

I hate failing and I know I will be falling a lot throughout this journey within the organization. It will not be a pleasant trip and I do not think I will enjoy it but… I will smile at the bittersweet memories anyway.

Perhaps I say this in haste and perhaps my state of mind is currently morbid and sapped of all serotonin; however, I do not think I will come to be very close with any of the officers truthfully. I do not know entirely why. Is it because I am unreliable? Is it because I am not confident or assertive enough? I do not know precisely what the issue is or how I shall fit in. Sad to say though but… wolves do not partake within the affairs of the ilk of others. They may be nice and refute the claim I make but… I do not think I have very much in common with the many.

Shall I be nothing but an incompetent shadow, tagging along behind Austin? I will support him though but I fear that our state of affairs is not going to be as connected or as developed as Ricky. Our connection… is different, more serious than that of Ricky. Is that something to complain about ordinarily? No but… I feel, for whatever reason, like we will not engage each other with the same kind of… harmony. Perhaps that is just the nature of our relationship and there can be nothing done to change that. I do not yet know for certainty per se.

What I am plagued by the most: I feel like everyone is looking down at me, at all times. It is as if I have no capacity to do things independently. Is it in sincerity they offer advice? Perhaps. Perhaps not though. I do not feel like it ever is. I do not know why but it always feels to me as if they are talking down to me. I’d like to be able to take charge of my own life and decisions without having to rely on anyone else– except when I need it. I do not like to be told what to do– petty and wanton as it may sound. I do not know if it is a result of a strained ego trying to salvage whatever wreckage of confidence left scattered by the world but.. I do wish people had more faith in me or placed more trust in me. Right now, I feel like not many truly understand me or can begin to understand me.

But maybe Darrell is right; I needlessly complicate things so people do not understand/read me so easily. I do not know per se. I always thought being complicated was a sign of intelligence– something I have long strived for to achieve. Even then, when I was young, it was not necessarily that I was the brightest or smartest– at least not when it comes to making the highest grade in the class. I was always outdone. Always.

I do not think I ever was in a place that made me feel solid and secure about where I was at. Just once, I’d like to be able to feel that way; I did this… by myself. I did not have to get anyone’s help or do it through anyone. I merely relied upon myself because that’s all I can truly rely on.

Anyway, it is getting late and I am losing focus. I do believe I have mentioned all that I wanted to. All I can say now is that I hope my relation with the other officers (and with myself) improves. I am tired of failing. I want to start winning…

Life Updates

It has been a while since I last written in you– a line I seem to commonly state when I do not write for long extended periods of time. Anyhow, it truly has been a while. I only seemed to have written in you simply for the sake of reflecting for my classes. Now that it is not required, I mostly had forgotten about writing about anything since nothing eventful or particularly troublesome happened.

Phi Theta Kappa:
Ambition
For the past several weeks, I think I have harbored a great deal of animosity to this world and its inhabitants– particularly towards those who have been the source of my frustrations. I know my social interaction has been limited to a few individuals so I may not be fully aware of all the manners which a person deals with situations like the ones I am currently in; however, I find it tiring and find myself exhausted from having to invest the amount of attention I have towards it. All this time, I had been an adamant follower of this organization and what it stood for. Above all us, I stood passionately inclined to the morals and standards this organization held, how it took people’s capacity to be intellectuals and tried to utilize it in a manner that could benefit the society; however, ever since this little ordeal with the presidency’s role, life has becoming increasingly difficult and taxing. I am not sure if this is an organization I want to be part of any longer if the people in it are purely motivated by greed and strife. I am not saying we as human beings are perfect and noble creatures; however, I do not think we have to be fully driven by the desire to control and manipulate all that we are surrounded by.

Now we have people who want to seek these positions simply to benefit themselves ignoring the fact what this organization truly stands for, what the chapter had previously accomplished, and all the hardwork; blood, sweat, and tears that were placed into this chapter and passed onto our hands. How can people ignore their responsibilities and the dreams of others so complacently? How is it that people who speak of cooperation clearly care to only benefit themselves? It boggles my mind too, just as it has boggled the minds of the other officers.

Trust
In the past few days, my trust has been low too. There are many things which we have been kept in the dark from that I feel we should all have a right to know. Then again, the opposite could be argued, the right to privacy– especially when it involves the lives of others. What exactly happened that day? It’s hard to say and it’s even harder to ascertain if any true justice is being executed. Are we not a nation that is governed by justice or do we only try to use justice to vindicate the harmful things we want to achieve?

I’ve been somewhat cynical of people, especially a few days ago when I had told Pam about her removal from office. She said not to trust anyone because of her situation. Now, I don’t claim I know everything or what took place that day but… I can say I was certainly saddened by what she was saying. A woman who had done her best to support and give PTK her all suddenly removed. Old friends turned into tomorrow’s enemies. It’s a pity really… I looked up to the other officers but maybe I only looked at things blissfully in ignorance. I am not saying they were perfect together. I am saying they had something beautiful together because they struggled and well… look at it now. It’s ruined and people only make it uglier and worse with each rumor or wagging of their tongues.

Makes me speculate if we will have to endure the same fate too. Can I trust anyone in my chapter? Should I? I don’t if everyone is going to continue this kind of mentality and have a self-serving motive within an organization such as PTK… To think, a prestigious organization that does so much and helps so much be reduced to this. Still, I guess I cannot be entirely cynical because it is run by human beings after all.

Sexuality
Andrew finally came over– which was the greatest and most uplifting event yet. I was worried he would not be able to make it. It was disappointing already that he could not make it the week he originally planned due to the art project he was going to assist in. A secondary blow came when he could not make it the day he got sick but yesterday? He finally came and I was happy. I enjoyed the time I spent, truly and sincerely. I know the feelings in my heart has grown but the questions have not been entirely quelled. What I do from this point on is crucial and fully will shape the future I shall make with him. If I act foolishly or irresponsibly, I could risk losing his trust and him altogether– something I do not want to do. I love him. I don’t want to hurt him because of my foolishness. Why must Sagittarius in Venus make me so indecisive when it comes to love?

Why this? Why now?

I used to have the most adamant and rigid of loyalties to my partners. I guess over time, dealing with the constant assault of having my heart broken many times, my heart doubts the notions of love and who actually possesses those qualities. I think, for the most part, it has grown deaf to the calls of love and the like. It now operates on a selfish basis, reserving people as a “last minute ditch effort” in order to have someone to fall back onto in the event I get screwed over. I think that’s personally bull shit and it should not happen in this matter but… I have difficulty controlling this force inside of me.

Give me strength, God, to overcome the inner demons and to not hurt the ones I care and love for.

He is the one I lost my virginity with and the one who has given me much. I do not want to take that for granted. So why? Why is my heart so divided when the answer is so basic and plainly in sight? Why do I refuse the obvious and search for something more complicating and troublesome?

Other Unnamed Grievances
I originally was going to post it a few nights ago, this post, but I never got to doing it since I was dead tired. My mind was running on low (kind of like now) and I felt entirely too tired to rant about something long and arduous as the things I wanted to. I could have done a great bit of reflecting and might have come up with some interesting life analysis. Maybe not though since I think most of the issues that were causing me problems were mostly small and petty. Still, they carry weight and do make an impact when they collectively bunch together as they did several days ago.

Oh well, that is all as far as my life updates go.

SLA: Day 13

Friday’s Question: “Why is it important to be a Follower?”

This is a rather funny question and something that I felt myself grinning at when I sat there hearing the theories and rationale behind the constitution of this idealogy.  Why is it important to follow?  Every leader needs to be able to be a follower at some point of their life, after all, no one is born a leader.  To follow is to learn, to make yourself available to see and observe the leader’s actions, to guide your actions in the way that he or she may do (or not do in the event that it is a destructive leader).  Certainly, leadership qualities are not derived from birth; they are acquired by observation, experience, trial and error, and socially constructed by our environment (or rather the people within the event).  We are taught the meaning of our actions, the etiquettes attached to it, the consequences that follow, and when we fail, the reprucussions that enable us to correct our mistakes to match the outcome expected of one.  Are we familiarized to these terms in our homes, at our schools, and within our social network (e.g peers).  We see when we watch, when stop raging against the waves, when the riot is replaced by silence.  We see the truth better as it becomes clear, revealing why certain things occur the way they do.

So, what is it important to follow?  Not just so the leader may succeed in his or her course of action but also (and most importantly) so that we can succeed in our own pursuits in life.  By watching and observing the actions of a leaders, we can see what we want to do or do not want to do.  We are made aware of our own actions as we observe those about us and we can analyze not only the world around us more critically but also ourselves.   The point of being a follower is not so those who are leaders can turn them into stepping stones but rather play a supportive role in an organized group setting where a lead figure tries to certain things accomplished.

SLA: Day 11

I was not here for SLA Day 11; I was at the Phi Theta Kappa convention.

Mentor: Day 5

Taking the ESAP helped me realize a few things about me as a leader and as a person growing through his experiences.  I think part of my struggle as a leader had to come from mostly my personal experiences in life.  Esteem, Deference, and Assertion are all tied by the same principles thus affecting each other as well.  The fact I have a somewhat low Esteem and Deference means I am critical about myself and the way things happen around me and often blame myself for things I have no control over.   It is not an extreme case but just something I have about myself that I am trying to work on.

In general, I think I have good leadership qualities.  I think I am assertive even if I sometimes lack the confidence.  I’m decent at decision making but I have struggle with deference and self-esteem which makes it difficult not allow myself to become thrown about by other people’s decisions, especially very aggressive types that I had to deal with in the past.  I just naturally learned to deal with those situations by not dealing with them.  Dr. Martin makes compelling points when it came to our discussion, about how I should not fault myself with people who feel passive-aggressive or cannot deal with how I am.  That is their own problem really. If someone is angry, aggressive, childish, or impatience it is not automatically my fault and so I should not default myself as the cause of the incident.

Even though logically I don’t think myself responsible for other people’s actions, I know emtoionally and psychologically, I still process things that way.  I think some of it also comes from the fact I have been obedient and law-abiding when it came to authority and control in early stages of my life that I naturally would acquiesce to things without giving it any thought.  Of course, as the years progressed, I eventually did learn that I must do things for myself and by myself.  Not only as a leader but as a human being.  I’ve relied less on my mother and relied more on my judgment.  I’m more patient with not only myself but with others and also have grown a sense of mercy.

Diplomacy is not forged from a sense of urgency.  Making decisions in life as a leader, as my mentor showed me, need to be made from a personal stand point.  There needs to be limits as to how much a person can affect the choices and judgment you have.  How much or little all varies and is relative, I think.